Lately I've been thinking... I'm always thinking. I had to began writing privately because I was unsure of what I'd write. Some days it would be life goals; other times I make tangible list about things I needed to take care in order to achieve some peace of mind. Or maybe just peace period. I don't use my LJ very often because I've had it so long that its a apart of my history that seems so far away.
I started writing when I was 15 or 16, after a friend suggested this website to me, back when my writings were crudely done and my problems more trivial. I think then I wrote as much for my peace of mind as I did for the entertainment of my friends. Through my early college years, my friends then would use it as a means to make fun of each other and myself, but now I think it's safe to say that none of those people are at all interested in my private musing that I invite all to view. I've always written freely with only the concern of my safety and the safety of those around me taken into account. I developed amusing nicknames for people; some they pick, others I created in order to tell more of my relationship and thoughts on them than anything else. I honestly don't remember them, although a quick read through could definitely bring back some memories. At the moment, I'm not really concerned with any of that though. I'm old enough to leave both short hand slang and shoddy nicknames alone.
My main cause for writing these days is for release. I'm a single woman in her late twenties and months away from early thirties. I live my life within my means and honestly that is my biggest restriction. I strongly value my privacy, but the loneliness that comes with that is soul crushing at times. A quick look into past writings shows that to be something I've been dealing with for many years, so I can at least state that I'm always getting better at dealing with it. I have friends, but I've grown to be... not distrustful, but cautious and more aware of the weight emotions have. I resists alluding to my constant loneliness with others because that can easily become and burden or a exploited weakness depending on the person and the toil that can take on relationships is damning.
I live my life mostly unbothered by others' thoughts and opinions of me, largely because I put so much effort in to being conscientious. Years of learning how to deal with people and living by the thought that I would want to treat people how I want to be treated has helped to free me from the burden of others. That being said, I often find that the was the greatest hurled I ever crossed. Once I knew who I was, no one was ever able to tell me anything different. Even in my rudest moments, I gladly accept the consequence of my actions and I'd never suggest I am above reproach, either.
These things are the reasons I both have so may friends, but live so alone. I don't believe in quieting myself and ended many relationships due to my refusal to hide myself. I legit lost a job because I can't work somewhere that requires me to do or want things that don't align with my values. That's not to say I don't evolve and change my mind on ideas here and there, but an evolution doesn't turn a fish into a bird. My basic structure has always remained the same and, for that reason, I've spent my life as a one man band. Occasionally, others will join in, but no one as really played the same. Not that anyone needs to, but collaborations are what make to world move.
When I started writing this, I did have a particular thought in mind, but the primary goal was to "give it to God" so to speak. I've been stressing about everything and nothing and usually writing about those things are the best release. I'm now thinking that the specific details of whats bothering me are what create the biggest conundrum. I've talked about it and thought about it. I written other things related to it and now... I out of energy for it. Work, finances, friends, family, men, etc. I've talked about all of it and I am still stressed. I've worked on the multiple angles and have no direct answer to my questions, so writing directly to my problem seems unnecessary now. I guess it's more important to figure out my next move in order to plan accordingly, but I have plans on top of plans and that main problem I that I just don't:
Don't want to deal with XYZ at work.
Don't want to talk about ABC with bills and shopping.
Don't want to dwell on JB or SF or any man who doesn't isn't putting in nearly as much
thought and emotion in to ME.
Don't have the ______ for whatever's going on with my loved ones. I can't even word what I don't have because I don't have it.
I can't even claim to be out of fucks because I care about how these things have been effecting me, but I'm probably out of fucks. I might be sad, but I don't have to dexterity to show any emotion beyond apathy and amusement. If someone wants vent about what's going on with them, I totally got time for them, but things that affect me directly are becoming a hassle that I know I totally can handle, but couldn't give a single shit about. Perhaps it's the confidence that I got it, no matter what it is, that makes it something I no longer want to think about. Constant "what if" planning has made me overtly contemplative and I've been locked inside my head for too long. I just know that either I'm ready for it or ready to be surprised by it.
To speak specifically on dating: I'm cautiously positive, but completely nihilistic. I don't think anything will come of it and I can't be bothered to be upset anymore. I'll gladly take a surprise, but at this point I'm burnt out. Trying for me now is just making any conversation at all and its feels like my job search, but with pictures and people: Maybe I want to do this, maybe not, here are my qualifications, it's out of my hands. I'll either continue to be alone or I won't and I can't possible work up enough energy to pick which one sounds better. C'est la vie.