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The Dwelling place of the Marked and Happy (sort of)...

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 Just read that last journal, didn't really get better. At least I passed all my classes ;). I'm finding humor in my despair.... The the sad part. I don't have the energy to be as upset as I am. I'm just sick of it. So MIA, as I call him, can never find him when I want to. Man, this dude sucks as a person. I think I'm gonna post our whole texted conversation on Myspace.... That should offer me some enjoyment. I'm so bored. It could be worst...
Where I Can Be Found At This Moment:
Sister's Apt.
Mood:
cynical cynical
Inspiring Tune:
"Ride" Ciara
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I suppose it doesn't matter what I write here if no one reads it... I'm sick of writing about sad stuff, but that appears to be the only emotion that forces me to write. I hate my job and I'm sick of saying so. When I think about its pretty lame that the only thing I have to do. My life appears pretty ordinary and boring. I'm much more interesting than this. Maybe I'm in some kind of a funk or whatever. My supposite boyfriend has dissappeared and I'm almost positive he won't come back. I'm sick of promises and hopes. I really don't have much left. I'm tired and currently sick. My life appears to be wasting away. I'm not sure if there's anything I can do about that. The most enjoyable things I have left is being happy for other people. I'm not sure if thats a bad thing or not. My sadness is affecting my grades. Mostly because I'm finding it hard to care about anything... Honestly I don't even know how any guy could truely like me. I think most guys only view me sexually. I can't even begin to consider sleeping with a guy with that in my head. Maybe... maybe i'll feel better in a couple weeks when all this stuff is behide me... who knows... 
Where I Can Be Found At This Moment:
a house
Mood:
depressed depressed
Inspiring Tune:
None, I can only here me screaming on the inside.
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That keeps me going; it keeps me grounded. My troubles may be bad, but I can handle it because it could be so much worst. Yes, my job sucks, but I could not have a job at all. Sure I don't have many/any friends, but the few I do have are supportive and understanding. We may not hang out, but they are still there and in my heart. Yeah, I'm technically single, but that's better than lonely. Hmmm.... Life's tolerable. I'm alive and that's the best thing ever. My complaints are minor, minimal in comparison. I wish this could be longer, but I've gotten in the habit of keeping things simple and organized. I suppose I should start surface level.

My job is like the worst ever. I feel like they could fire me any moment. I'm looking for more jobs, but I can't get around as easily as I would like. Not having a license is a bigger hindrance than not having a car. I'm working on that, but only so much can be done when my family is in places where i can't readily get to them. Staying with my aunt pretty much sucks, but what can I do... Don't have many friends, but the few I do have are out of state. Thank God for Blockbuster and Adult Swim on Saturday. I don't have much of a social life, but honestly its hard to have a social life when you don't want to be around the people around you. I think a name change is in order CIA is now MIA or C/MIA. I know where he is just not exactly. Thats better. Comfortable. Boring at times, but he's fully aware of that. Hopefully he'll do something about that. I still really like him, but I'm not very fond of these inbetween relationships. I'm sure I know what I'm getting into, but cultural differences do change this dating situation a lot. Its annoying what race will do to you culturally, but you have to expect it and keep an open mind. I just have to protect myself and think about this things logically. My heart can not be invovled in my major decisions concerning our relationship. Its been almost a year, but this cannot continue to much longer without major reformations. Had we not already made some leaps and bounds in our relationship, I would have read him his rights a long time ago. We've had the what if conversation and we've discussed what is the necessary boundries of our relationship. What else can I ask for...? As for school, I can't wait to transfer. Right now I have a 3.5 and so long as I keep that up I have no worries... About school ;) Life sux.
Where I Can Be Found At This Moment:
floor
Mood:
content content
Inspiring Tune:
"Pretty Wings" Maxwell
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I often wonder about things like that. Like lets take my last 4 or more friends i can think of, ke, tara, matt, gerbil, z, cw, and ty. The first one I became my friend after a few long talks over Harry Potter, sure our friendship change twice afterwards but that was our start. Umm, with tara we met through chi and j which was an experience for the both of us. Early on we had a decent amount of ups and downs but now I couldn't imagine her not being my friend. With matt he was gerbil's roommate and he was cute and I'm definitely a sucker for cute boys. With gerbil, which I have known the longest of the 6, I met in middle school, he was friends with timothy (?) who was dating christina for a short time, then he was friend with her, then high school with neither around he just ended up my friend. No idea, how or why just did, it was weird.... Anyway, with the last 3 it was AFJROTC. Z is my buddy (no was here!). He's a character, but there's no guessing here, a genuine friend. And cw was dating a friend and when they weren't dating it was easy to listen to him wonder why in hell did he do that... a bit of a complainer... Very opinionated... a character? That friendship came back to hunt me this past year... glad to know people grow up... some... still an ass. And ty we were friends at practice and out. He is like my big brother. Definitely someone I want to be in a rocking chair, sitting next to, in the old folks home. I think when we grow relationships change too. Of those relationships, three of them I had to re-examine and two definitely (appear) are not going to make next years list. No matter how much I try Ke will never disappear no matter the reexamination. She always gets a B+ in my role book. Which could really be a A- but I don't do two places after the decimal so whatever... The oldest dies first so, alas so it must be with the oldest relationship whatever... RIP. And finally an ass is an ass is an ass. That was most recently examined and I love these instant messagers that give you an archiving option because I got beginning to end(?) in plain sight. I had a stock problem with that one. I should have sold it all before the maket died completely. Now I'm broke(n)... Thank you job and God for your grace because its gonna take the hell of the last 3 to 4 years to get to heaven. I need a break.... a shot gun for the boys and a shot for the girls... help!       

Where I Can Be Found At This Moment:
On My Ass
Mood:
contemplative contemplative
Inspiring Tune:
"Gladiator" Common
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I want to scream, I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!! But I can't because I don't have the freedom to do so. It literally pains me that I can't. I just don't.......
Mood:
frustrated frustrated & a little crushed
Inspiring Tune:
Fall Out Boy - Folie a Deux
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Your Spiritual Number is Five



You bring adventure and change to people's lives.

You are willing to challenge your friends and push them to grow.



Right now, your life is about figuring out where to direct your energy.

If you're not careful, you can become too unreliable or flighty. You need the perfect project.



You live a free form life - which allows you to be very innovative and a great problem solver.

Rules, schedules, and structure practically destroy you. You have to do things your own way.

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Lots of times its easy to see and some times its not. Like when I say nothings wrong or that it doesn't matter. Usually that just means I don't want to tell you. I got a guy, I'll call him CIA, for obvious reasons. Can't find him when I need him but he can find me. I have a habit of telling him I don't like him because I mean the exact opposite. I try to be very carful with him because he has the greatest potential to hurt me. I don't think he knows but at the same time I almost know he does. Which may be why he's so calm about everything because he thinks that'll save him. It gives me a head headache because I do my best to pull away from him and still can't help but drown in him. It's not even a thing of me falling for him too fast but the factor that any guy that can accept me as I am is very intriging to me. Especailly if I find him cute and interesting. I decided a long time ago that no one could accept all of me and that parts of me had to remind hidden dispite my protest against it or either I'd have to spend a lot of time alone. Let's just say its a good thing I learned to play by myself years ago. I can't push him away, but i can't get any closer to him cause he won't let me. He's very guarded with me and I'm guarded too, but not nearly as much. I like to watch him when he has his eyes close. I've done that with MAT but I was considering smothering him with a pillow. I watch him out of curiosity because: 1. He's normally still awake and 2. I want to know what he's thinking or won't tell me. Everyone has something they won't say, but the two of us have a lot we're not saying and are too hurt to consider it. I think I could trust him, but I won't because I don't think he feels the same way. To convince him to think otherwise I try to lead by example, but I don't know if that'll work. The most a can do now is hope for the best and prepare for the worst. This (and life) sux.     
Mood:
pensive pensive
Inspiring Tune:
"Mercy" One Republic
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I have a job, a little money, no friends (in Louisiana), and I'm lonely. I've lost my brother, have a strange relationship with a guy (or two), friendly with most of my co-workers, and am watched over like a hawk by my family. I'm out of shape, sickly, and full yet hungry. I need to go back to school, but I don't want to. I want more, but don't know how to get it. I can't drive, but I can drink. I don't live, but i'm alive... And thankful... 
Where I Can Be Found At This Moment:
house
Mood:
blah blah
Inspiring Tune:
" I Hate This Part" Pussycat Dolls
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How You Life Your Life
You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.
You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many acquaintances.
You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.
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Hmm.. I was thinking that I should get my story out and down. That shit about MAT. As it would seem he was a nigga at school and had earned his name as the resident hoe. I was only hanging with the guys so we were friends of sort, but I was sure to keep an eye on him. He started it from the beginning and I wasn't falling for it. At some point I decided I was fine with a sexual relationship w/o the bull of romance and emotions. I liked him as a friend because he was a fun guy and i enjoy his company. I didn't mind being used only for a sexual sense and I was using him for the same. We kept this up for 2 school semesters and it didn't bother me. We were friends and had sex sometimes. That summer I baby set and all, but forgot about him. He called me and we began talking to each other every night I double checked his intentions and found them to be relatively the same. When school started again it was life as usual and then he got kicked out his house. I told him i  would help if I could because I was his friend and then he started getting all weird on me. He started saying I love and I wasn't having that. I thought long and hard about everything and I had know that if he wasn't such a man whore I wouldn't mind dating him, but did start to have strong feelings for him when I thought the feeling could be mutual, but I never believe he loved me. He signed up for the Army National Guard in September and left the end of October. Right around the time I was finding out he had given me an STD. I was so hurt and felt so alone. But it was curable so I was fine, but the emotional baggage from that lasted up until I heard from him in December. He called me and I was a bit wary of his actions and I had always asked him where he was calling me from and his response, and I quote, was " My girlfriends phone." As if it was nothing. My heart broke into a million pieces and he tried to cover it up, but it didn't work. I was angry and hurt by him not even considering my feelings. We had even discussed him not wanting to be in a relationship and I told him I was fine with that before he left. They dicided it was a "good idea" to be in a relationship through a letter. That was the longest Christmas holiday of my live and I just wanted it to be over. One of my bestfriends had broken my heart and I told him so. He had no excuse for himself. I distracted myself with school when it started and I began to feel a lot better. Then Feburary came along with a phone call. He was no longer with his girlfriend and he wanted my forgiveness. I told him to work for it and he did. He called me everyday. Once in the morning and Once at night and texting all day and I heard from him at least 3 times a day. When not working 4 times. He told me everything and I was "his girl" to his friends on the base and he made sure we were constantly talking to each other. He was coming back the end of Apirl and I was waiting to see if his good behavior kept up. He was on shaky ground and I wasn't gonna go easy on him. He didn't kept up his behavior at all and I was on his case about it w/o nagging him, but at the same time he was still doing a 100% better than before. When the summer came I wewnt home and told him to be good. I should have known that he wouldn't when I didn't see him before I left because he didn't have a ride, but he went to the club that night. His phone calls were weird and then he stopped calling all together. Then he broke my heart through Facebook. I will never understand why people won't be straight up with me and just tell me, but they'll change their Facebook profile to "in a retaionship". Then, I started getting some info. from folks at school and I realize something really fucked up was happpening here. I got back to school, again preparing to forget about how he had hurt me, and I get a phone call about how we needed to talk. I said fine come over. He brought with him a baby girl. She was a cutie and supposely his daughter. She was over one years old. Before he met me. I told him that was fine, but I went off on him for what he'd put me through. I told him he was on his last leg and I wasn't going to let him get away with anything. He did better. Brought the baby with him sometimes. Then I started seeing him less and less and then I didn't see him at all. He had my book and I wasn't crying about this shit anymore. That well had run dry. I just wanted my book. I didn't need that friend, nor did I want him. 

In his stupidity, he contacts me like nothing ever happened and I go the hell off.

Life sux. So let it.           

Where I Can Be Found At This Moment:
Desktop
Mood:
content content
Inspiring Tune:
Code Guess. Not music, but that's all I here.
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