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The Dwelling place of the Marked and Happy (sort of)...

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Lately I've been thinking... I'm always thinking. I had to began writing privately because I was unsure of what I'd write. Some days it would be life goals; other times I make tangible list about things I needed to take care in order to achieve some peace of mind. Or maybe just peace period. I don't use my LJ very often because I've had it so long that its a apart of my history that seems so far away.

I started writing when I was 15 or 16, after a friend suggested this website to me, back when my writings were crudely done and my problems more trivial. I think then I wrote as much for my peace of mind as I did for the entertainment of my friends. Through my early college years, my friends then would use it as a means to make fun of each other and myself, but now I think it's safe to say that none of those people are at all interested in my private musing that I invite all to view. I've always written freely with only the concern of my safety and the safety of those around me taken into account. I developed amusing nicknames for people; some they pick, others I created in order to tell more of my relationship and thoughts on them than anything else. I honestly don't remember them, although a quick read through could definitely bring back some memories. At the moment, I'm not really concerned with any of that though. I'm old enough to leave both short hand slang and shoddy nicknames alone.

My main cause for writing these days is for release. I'm a single woman in her late twenties and months away from early thirties. I live my life within my means and honestly that is my biggest restriction. I strongly value my privacy, but the loneliness that comes with that is soul crushing at times. A quick look into past writings shows that to be something I've been dealing with for many years, so I can at least state that I'm always getting better at dealing with it. I have friends, but I've grown to be... not distrustful, but cautious and more aware of the weight emotions have. I resists alluding to my constant loneliness with others because that can easily become and burden or a exploited weakness depending on the person and the toil that can take on relationships is damning.

I live my life mostly unbothered by others' thoughts and opinions of me, largely because I put so much effort in to being conscientious. Years of learning how to deal with people and living by the thought that I would want to treat people how I want to be treated has helped to free me from the burden of others. That being said, I often find that the was the greatest hurled I ever crossed. Once I knew who I was, no one was ever able to tell me anything different. Even in my rudest moments, I gladly accept the consequence of my actions and I'd never suggest I am above reproach, either.

These things are the reasons I both have so may friends, but live so alone. I don't believe in quieting myself and ended many relationships due to my refusal to hide myself. I legit lost a job because I can't work somewhere that requires me to do or want things that don't align with my values. That's not to say I don't evolve and change my mind on ideas here and there, but an evolution doesn't turn a fish into a bird. My basic structure has always remained the same and, for that reason, I've spent my life as a one man band. Occasionally, others will join in, but no one as really played the same. Not that anyone needs to, but collaborations are what make to world move.

When I started writing this, I did have a particular thought in mind, but the primary goal was to "give it to God" so to speak. I've been stressing about everything and nothing and usually writing about those things are the best release. I'm now thinking that the specific details of whats bothering me are what create the biggest conundrum. I've talked about it and thought about it. I written other things related to it and now... I out of energy for it. Work, finances, friends, family, men, etc. I've talked about all of it and I am still stressed. I've worked on the multiple angles and have no direct answer to my questions, so writing directly to my problem seems unnecessary now. I guess it's more important to figure out my next move in order to plan accordingly, but I have plans on top of plans and that main problem I that I just don't:

Don't want to deal with XYZ at work.
Don't want to talk about ABC with bills and shopping.
Don't want to dwell on JB or SF or any man who doesn't isn't putting in nearly as much
thought and emotion in to ME.
Don't have the ______ for whatever's going on with my loved ones. I can't even word what I don't have because I don't have it.

I can't even claim to be out of fucks because I care about how these things have been effecting me, but I'm probably out of fucks. I might be sad, but I don't have to dexterity to show any emotion beyond apathy and amusement. If someone wants vent about what's going on with them, I totally got time for them, but things that affect me directly are becoming a hassle that I know I totally can handle, but couldn't give a single shit about. Perhaps it's the confidence that I got it, no matter what it is, that makes it something I no longer want to think about. Constant "what if" planning has made me overtly contemplative and I've been locked inside my head for too long. I just know that either I'm ready for it or ready to be surprised by it.

To speak specifically on dating: I'm cautiously positive, but completely nihilistic. I don't think anything will come of it and I can't be bothered to be upset anymore. I'll gladly take a surprise, but at this point I'm burnt out. Trying for me now is just making any conversation at all and its feels like my job search, but with pictures and people: Maybe I want to do this, maybe not, here are my qualifications, it's out of my hands. I'll either continue to be alone or I won't and I can't possible work up enough energy to pick which one sounds better. C'est la vie.
Mood:
apathetic apathetic
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There are always things that will never change:

I'll always eat fast
Love rain coats and rain
Fear my mother and god
Be honest
Timid
Be myself...

Life is beating me down today. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

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Someone who wants to help me when I need it.

Someone who wants to care for me, but not because I need it.

Someone who appreciates the pleasantries of tranditon.

Someone who wants me to have kids and a career because it's what I want.

Someone who feels free being themselves around me.

Someone who respects my freedom and won't judge me based on societal expectation.

Someone who allows me to reintroduce myself:

My name is... (beat drops)


I'm asking for what I want because life's a bitch.

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I think had I not been watching Akward I probably wouldn't be writing right now. I realize that my formative years were spent writing blogs and its interesting to watch a show where a blog is very important. Nothing interesting here. Trying to graduate, what's new? I've been on that path for the last 7yrs., so its about time. As much as I want a job, I'm not ready to give up summer. Oh, well, alls well that ends well. I guess. Not use to writing when the sun is up, so perhaps I'll be more chatty later... Off to the gym...bitch.
Where I Can Be Found At This Moment:
United States, Louisiana, New Orleans
Mood:
bored bored
Inspiring Tune:
"Put It Down" Brandy featuring Chris Brown
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I always like to read the previous journal before I write a new one and as melancholy as that last one was and laughed at my note about Lil' Jon's philosophy on bitches. Honestly, I think if there is anything that needs to be considers, the things we listen to needs to be one of them. Lil' Jon has stopped from wanting to whip a many of bitches' asses and I also have Waka Flocka and several rock artist to thank for that. Britney Spears made me love being a girl (as well as the Spice Girls) and Christina Aguliera gave me a woman's voice behind all that fun. I think God for the lovers: Jill Scott whom cannot be fully appreciated until heard live, Dwele, Raheem DeVaughn, Usher, Robin Thicke, Sade, etc. I don't know who I'd be without old school R&B, NSYNC, Eminem, Korn, Slipknot, and strangely maybe even ICP.  I will NEVER out grow my white boy phase with Justin Timberlake and Jesse McCartney hanging around still looking amazing. Chris Brown and Trey Songz are a new style of R&B artist who sing to well to be rappers, but are rappers at heart. I LOVE NE-Yo. I don't know what it is about Daft Punk that is just so thoroughly entertaining, but that's just dance music I guess. Dead Prez, Talib Kweli, Q-Tip, Mos Def and more recently Wale do not get the credit they deserve. Michael and Janet Jackson will always make my top 10 because there would be no hot pop stars without them (Usher, Britney Spears, and Chris Brown wouldn't even exist as artist). Madonna made it cool to be a sexual women. Can somebody please tell me, beginning to end, what is the cohesive point to a Lil' Wanye song made after "Go DJ"? When you can do that I will think about him as being one of the best rappers alive. How does Soulja Boy seriously exist as a Hip-Hop ARTIST... and make real money from it? Does anyone remember when 50 cent was a hot rapper and am I the only one absolutely sick of Rihanna? Kiss my ass if you can't appreciate a well choreographed and/or greatly song musical. I love me some music...


Don't know where that came from, but I like it and I'm posting it to Facebook... I keep getting closer to the  point where I've been in a relationship for a year and I don't know if I'm excited or terrified. Today I had the first drawing class I've had since I flunked out of MCA and i feel exactly the same way about that. One think I can say is I have 2 more months before the year mark and I need to go the art supply store to get a drawing pad. I am taking this day by day and loving every bit of it...



Life's a... BIA, BIAAAA!!!
Where I Can Be Found At This Moment:
Dormitory, North Hall
Mood:
bored bored
Inspiring Tune:
"Bia, Bia" by Lil' Jon (It's only right).
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Wow, is the best thing I can say. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. I hate confusion and being confuse. I think the best thing for me to do right now is to sit back and see what happens. I don't even have anything else to say about that...
Where I Can Be Found At This Moment:
Dorm
Mood:
confused confused
Inspiring Tune:
"Miss Me" Drake
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It's strange how awful people are the only people that can get their cake and eat it too... Karma I guess only work for those that care. One of these days I'll understand the bullshit. Until then I'm just holding back the urge the throw a brick through dude window. I'm have a up and down week. I go from forgiving to hating at the drop of a dime sometimes. I'll get over this anger shit at some point, but when I will never know.
My motto is never wrong...
Where I Can Be Found At This Moment:
Friend's Appt.
Mood:
contemplative contemplative
Inspiring Tune:
"Show Me A Good Time" Drake
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Its been about 3 months since I heard from Waits and much longer since anything actually happened between us.... Honestly the only thing that doesn't makes since to me is him not being completely honest about our relationship from the very beginning. It was pointless for him to ever lie to me about something so stupid. Yeah, sure it wouldn't have lasted as long as it did, but there wouldn't have been any hard feels either.

What is it with these mother fuckers who are trying to play a game they know nothing about?
First rule: you don't lie; be real about the situation as it is. "I think you're cool and all, but I'm just tryin' to hit it." It sound bad, but nobody can truly be made at anyone who was real and honest with them.
Rule number two: You can't ( I repeat CAN'T) overstay your welcome. You don't like when a girl is feeling and touching all on you and then says you can't have, so why would you waste her time for an extended period of time without wanting to be with her in anyway other than sexual? Six months is the maximum, especially if you're not going to be honest with her.

Kat Williams was right when he said bitch niggas was fucking everything up for everybody... Shit I feel like Diddy: NO BITCH-ASS-NESS!!!    
Where I Can Be Found At This Moment:
UNO
Mood:
pensive pensive
Inspiring Tune:
"Shark in the Water" VV Brown
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 Well, now I know Chad used me for sex and I'm ashamed of myself.
Mood:
bitchy bitchy
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 Dude, was a total pathetic, freak. He's a pervert and compulsive lier. He wasted my time for a year and 11 months. It's not all his fault that I'm hurting, but that doesn't make it stop hurting. It just makes me feel stupid. I mean I really think I was his little black secret. He said he didn't care what people think, but i'm convinced that was a lie. At the end of the day I was the little black girl with no car or license and no way of knowing exactly what he was doing. The saddest part is that I didn't care what he was doing. Honestly, if we only had fun together because he wanted to still appear single I would've been fine with that, but we didn't even have fun... Ever. I want to be able to trust a guy without it bitting me in the ass later.

I give up.  

Where I Can Be Found At This Moment:
Sis's
Mood:
drained drained
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